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At this point, I really have no interest in drinking alcohol ever again.  I wondered long ago if I would ever come to view alcohol in the same way I view, say, dropping acid or snorting coke, things I used to enjoy doing long ago in a galaxy far away, but cannot possibly imagine myself doing ever again.  I'm not quite there yet, but close.  Alcohol did far more harm to me than those drugs did, but it's also much closer to today, 8 years instead of 30 plus.  It doesn't call me, I don't wish I was a "normie", I don't miss it, and being around drunk people simply annoys me, it doesn't scare me or make me wish I could join them.  Drinking is something many other people do, but not something I want to do, and I'm totally comfortable with that situation.


So that right there is a huge obstacle to me ever drinking again:  I don't want to, and I can't imagine anything that would drive me to want to.  But even if I did ever find myself longing for a drink, maybe to "test myself" or some similar BS reptilian reason, actually drinking would be a huge step that I can't see myself ever doing.  I would require me to totally, willfully, and deliberately disregard every single thing I've learned about life in the past 8 years, chuck it all down the toilet and not take any of the many steps I know all about (and have taken in the past) to protect myself.  Distraction, meetings, more meetings if need be, talking to people I trust at the outpatient clinic I attended, there are many, many things I could do before actually drinking, and actually drinking would require me to knowingly and willfully do none of them.


What it would really amount to, would be suicide.  Knowing the finality of the consequences, disregarding everything I know and believe in, not taking any steps to help myself, and then pulling the trigger by taking the drink.  I would not last long, because my entire world would crumble around me - and I would have to want that outcome, because I would know then just as I know now, that that would be the outcome.


So, yes, that's 8 years without a single sip of a drink.  That single sip of a drink, that most people would think nothing about, no big deal, would be so heavily loaded for me that it couldn't happen to me.  I would have to transform into someone else first.

Yesterday, or it might be today, I truly don't remember but I count 12/29 as my sobriety date, marked 8 years sober.  Someone asked me, not too long ago, whether or not that meant nearly 8 years without a slip, and first reaction was, well, duh, if there was a slip along the way I wouldn't be counting nearly 8 years sober.  But it did get me thinking about a more complete answer, which I didn't give at the time but I will here. 

Copyright, 2018, JeffK